I joined Facebook in 2006. I was sixteen. My dodgy haircut alone is enough of a reason to never, ever look back with nostalgia at those dark and long-buried days.
But Facebook insisted on creating a special 'Look Back' video just for me, in honour of its tenth birthday, and now I have to be reminded.
These videos are just as awful as a real ten-year-old's attempt to piece your life together would be (despite the fact that over 200 million people have now watched their Look Back videos). Here are some reasons why:
1. How we looked back in 2006
It doesn't seem like such a long time ago, does it? 2006 is the year Twitter was launched and James Blunt sang 'You're Beautiful'. But we definitely weren't beautiful. I live in fear of someone seeing my driving license with that haircut, so I certainly don't need Facebook's fond memories of it all over my newsfeed.
2. The photography skills
Nowadays, it's all Instagram filters, careful photoshopping and intricate editing before anything makes it onto the site. But back in those days, it was anything goes - pictures from the first ever smartphones and clumsily scanned Polaroids. I don't need reminding of when I first discovered Mac's Photo Booth and found it hilarious to distort my eyes so much I looked like a Furby.
3. Most liked posts
While I might find it nostalgic to see how many people cared to click a button when I mundanely posted about finishing my degree, I'm sure most people don't really care about how disappointed my nineteen-year-old self felt after watching the Lost finale.
4. Photos of exes
How were we supposed to know we wouldn't always be together? Beaming photos of smooching, long-finished couples pop up on everyone's Look Back videos - which is a part of our lives we most definitely don't want to Look Back on.
5. The regret
It just makes you think, doesn't it? Lost touch with her, haven't spoken to him for about six years, oh, I remember fitting into that lovely dress which has been at the bottom of my wardrobe for years. We already cracked open the Dairy Milk when we got home from work, we don't need to feel any additional guilt.
6. The older you get in the video, the more you look like you should join AA
Yes, we went to university, we went out quite a lot and we happen to be holding drinks in a lot of our photos. That doesn't mean we need to go to rehab. We were just holding other people's Jaegerbombs, OK?
7. The randomness of it
When I watched my Look Back video, it was littered with photos of people I spoke to about twice at school, rather than many of my actual friends. It would make for some pretty awkward questions should I actually dare to post it on my profile.
8. The language
For whatever reason, when Facebook launched, we thought it was acceptable to use phrases like 'lol cye l8r xx'. No memory of this is required, Facebook.
9. The music
The soft, sad music of the Look Back video makes our lives sound as poignant and meaningful as Forrest Gump's, when in fact all we've really achieved in the last ten years is passing our GCSEs and getting to the next level on Candy Crush.
10. The intrusiveness
Or should I say, the realisation of all the inane minutiae of your life that you, willingly, have shared with all your friends. The statuses about homework, the half-witted opinions about films, the toothy-grinned photos of you in clubs, wearing terrible outfits week after week. Your life just makes you cringe.
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